Have you ever found yourself in the grips of an infatuation so overwhelming that it borders on obsession? Maybe it’s complicated because the other person is unavailable, uninterested, or you’re already in a relationship. Despite your best efforts to stay rational, you just can’t stop thinking about them all day, every day.
You, my friend, might be experiencing limerence.
If this term is new to you, don’t worry—you’re not alone. Understanding the difference between limerence and love can be an eye-opening moment for those affected by it.
What exactly is limerence?
Imagine having a crush, but multiply it by a hundred. Coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, limerence describes a state of being obsessed with another person. It’s like having a love potion constantly bubbling in your brain. You’re daydreaming about them, analysing every word they say, and your mood swings are dictated by their actions – or even their lack of actions. It’s intense, exhilarating, and (let’s be honest) a bit exhausting.
Deep down, you might have a hunch that this obsession isn’t doing you any favours, but despite that, you just can’t seem to shake it off.
The brain on limerence: when chemistry creates the illusion of love
When you’re in the throes of limerence, the chemicals in your brain are having a wild house party, one that’ll wreak havoc and leave you with an emotional hangover. Here’s what’s going on:
- Dopamine delight. Imagine someone who’s addicted to their phone, constantly checking for notifications, each buzz giving them a little rush and making it impossible to put down. That’s what limerence feels like. Dopamine, the “feel-good” neurotransmitter, is working overtime. Every time you think about that special someone, your brain rewards you with a hit of dopamine, making you feel fantastic and reinforcing the obsession.
- Adrenaline rush. You might notice your heart racing and palms sweating when you see or think about this person. That’s adrenaline kicking in, giving you those classic butterflies and that thrilling, almost addictive rush.
- Serotonin dip. Ironically, while dopamine is flooding your brain, serotonin levels drop. Lower serotonin is linked to obsessive thoughts, which explains why you can’t seem to get this person out of your head.
Here’s where it gets tricky. All these chemicals create a powerful illusion of love. Your brain is essentially tricking you into believing that this person is absolutely perfect and essential to your happiness. But this idealised image is often just that – an illusion. It’s not based on the reality of who they are, but rather on your brain’s exaggerated response to them.
So, while limerence feels intensely real and all-consuming, it’s largely your brain’s chemistry playing tricks on you. Understanding this can be the first step in breaking free from its spell and seeing things more clearly. Remember, what you’re experiencing is powerful, but it’s not necessarily the same as true, lasting love.
The impact of limerence on your daily life
Limerence isn’t just your everyday romantic crush. It’s much more dramatic. It can turn your world upside down and inside out. Here’s how:
- Emotional rollercoaster. One minute you’re floating on cloud nine because they smiled at you, and the next, you’re plummeting into despair because they didn’t reply to your text. It’s like living in a soap opera – without the glamorous wardrobe.
- Distraction central. Ever tried focusing on work or studying when your brain is busy replaying every interaction with your beloved? Spoiler alert: it’s nearly impossible. Your productivity takes a nosedive because your thoughts are preoccupied elsewhere.
- Sleepless nights. Counting sheep? More like counting the reasons they might not like you back. Limerence can keep you tossing and turning, leading to groggy mornings and too many trips to the coffee shop.
- Over-analysis paralysis. Did they mean something by that comment? Why did they choose that emoji? Limerence turns you into a detective, constantly decoding and over-analysing every little detail. Which is a poor use of your precious time.
Tools to regain your sanity
It’s clear that limerence can be exhausting. But fear not! There are ways to break free from its spell and regain control of your life. Here are some friendly tips and tools to help you on your journey:
- Mindfulness and meditation. Ground yourself in the present moment. Meditation can help you become aware of your thoughts without being swept away by them. Apps like Headspace, Calm and 10% Happier are all great tools to get started.
- Hypnotherapy. Hypnotherapy can be a powerful tool to rewire those patterns in your subconscious mind that dictate how we think, feel and behave. This includes the patterns of rumination and obsession that are driving your limerence. By addressing its underlying causes, we can change your emotional response and set your mind free. Think of all the time and mental space you’ll gain back! If you want to know more, book a free initial consultation.
- Journaling. Write it out! Putting your thoughts and feelings onto paper can be incredibly cathartic. Plus, it gives you a chance to step back and see things more objectively.
- Set boundaries. Limit your interactions and exposure to the person triggering your limerence. It’s tough, but sometimes a bit of distance is exactly what you need to gain clarity.
- Engage in new activities. Distract yourself with new hobbies or interests. Whether it’s joining a dance class, picking up a musical instrument, or trying your hand at painting – keep yourself busy and engaged and get that serotonin flowing again.
- Talk to a professional. Sometimes, you need a bit of extra help. Speaking to a therapist or counsellor can provide you with strategies and support to navigate through this intense period.
- Learn about limerence. Knowledge is power, and the website Living with Limerence is full of helpful recources.
The light at the end of the tunnel
Limerence can feel like a wild, uncontrollable ride, but remember – it will pass. With the right tools and support, you can overcome it and emerge stronger and more self-aware. So, if you find yourself caught in the throes of limerence, take a deep breath, reach out for support, and know that you’re not alone. And next time you hear someone mention limerence at a dinner party, you can nod knowingly and say, “Oh, I know all about that.”
Until next time: stay mindful, stay positive, and keep growing.
