Last month, I spent seven glorious days surfing waves and scaling volcanoes in Tenerife. I flew out on a solo trip but within hours of landing, I met a crew of beautiful people who I got to share my adventures with. Trust me, life hasn’t always been this breezy…
For years, social anxiety cast a long, suffocating shadow over my life. Even the prospect of meeting a friend for coffee could have me hiding under the duvet, typing out an apology and the promise of a rain check (that would never happen).
The thought of traveling to a new place by myself wasn’t just daunting – it was utterly unthinkable.
So, what shifted? How did I go from crippling social anxiety to solo adventures?
(Spoiler alert: you’ve guessed it, I used Solution Focused Hypnotherapy.)
Understanding Social Anxiety
Social anxiety isn’t the same as shyness or slight discomfort in social settings. It’s a powerful fear of being judged and rejected, a genuinely painful and overwhelming experience that can lead to feelings of low self-worth and isolation.
At its core, social anxiety is the result of strong, self-perpetuating patterns that shape how we see the world around us and our place within it.
By recognising the powerful forces at play, we can start to loosen their grip and open the door to a new way of connecting with others.
Caught Between Fear and Isolation
Social anxiety places us in a difficult position:
- Fear. On one hand, engaging in social interactions can feel overwhelming and uncomfortable.
- Isolation. On the other, avoiding these situations offers only temporary relief, ultimately leading to isolation and increased anxiety.
This is because social anxiety is often fuelled by two self-reinforcing vicious cycles:
1. The Stress Response Trap
If you experience social anxiety, it’s not because social environments are inherently threatening. However, your internal stress response system is telling you they are.
- The Amygdala. It all starts here. Our brain’s threat detection system can become overly active and ring the alarm, sometimes even before a social event has even started.
- Stress Response. This overactivity triggers a cascade of physical symptoms, including:
- Racing heart
- Sweaty palms
- Shakiness
- Dry mouth
- Hot flushes / chills
All these physical sensations get misinterpreted by the mind. They can make us feel as though we’re in immediate danger – even when we’re not. But there’s more.
- The Influence of Past Experience. If the hippocampus (where emotional memories are stored) detects similarities between a current situation – like a work meeting – and a past negative experience, it reinforces the fear response with negative thoughts and emotions.
- Negative Thoughts. “Everyone is judging me” or “I can’t handle this”. This negative self-talk further intensifies the physical symptoms. It’s what keeps the alarm ringing.
Rumination. The cycle doesn’t end when the social interaction does. For days, you might replay the event in your mind, often focusing on perceived negative judgments from others:
- “I sounded so awkward.”
- “I bet they’re thinking I’m weird.”
- “Why did I say that?”
- “I should have been more interesting.”
- “I was too quiet. I should have contributed more.”
- “They’ll think I’m boring.”
- “I don’t belong there.”
This ongoing dialogue with anxiety isn’t only mentally and emotionally draining. It also intensifies the anxiety and ensures that the cycle continues, making it even harder to face future social situations with ease.
2. The Avoidance Trap
The real challenge with social anxiety isn’t just the anxiety – it’s the avoidance behaviours we engage in.
When I came to Solution Focused Hypnotherapy as a client, I was in the grips of an avoidance cycle that had been spinning for years. Eventually, even going into the living room to enjoy dinner with my lovely housemates felt like too much and I’d hide in my room instead.
- Avoidance as a Survival Strategy: Avoidance is a primal instinct for self-protection. When the amygdala signals danger, the hippocampus reinforces this by recalling past negative experiences, encouraging avoidance as a way to feel safe.
- The Short-Term Relief, Long-Term Cost: While avoidance might offer temporary relief, each act of withdrawal inadvertently teaches the hippocampus to associate connection with danger and avoidance with safety.
- Shrinking Comfort Zones: Over time, this process deepens the grip of social anxiety, causing our comfort zone to shrink further. Eventually, we might find ourselves avoiding not just large gatherings but also smaller interactions like catching up with friends or making small talk.
Solution Focused Hypnotherapy: Breaking Free
I’d been in talking therapy for over half a decade. But it took just eight weeks of Solution Focused Hypnotherapy for me to start overcoming social anxiety.
We never spoke about the past or where my social anxiety had come from – I’d done enough of that, thank you very much! Instead, we focused on the future I wanted to create for myself. In our sessions, I thought about what I wanted to achieve: confidence, connection, and ease in social settings.
- Harnessing Hypnosis: Hypnosis helps the mind enter a deeply relaxed state, allowing access to the subconscious to reframe unhelpful beliefs that fuel anxiety.
- Positive Visualisation: During hypnosis, I was guided to visualise myself in social situations with calm, confidence, and ease, showing my mind that these situations could be fulfilling and safe. This process leverages neuroplasticity by creating new neural pathways.
- Addressing Lifestyle Factors: We also addressed lifestyle habits that were exacerbating my anxiety, particularly poor sleep, which disrupts emotional regulation and makes the amygdala even more reactive.
- Amplifying Small Wins: We focused on and celebrated small positive experiences. A day trip with friends where I felt unexpectedly relaxed became a powerful positive anchor for the future.
Practical Steps
The journey from social anxiety to social connection is gradual, but each step forward is significant. Here are some simple yet powerful steps that can help you too:
🫶 Practice Self-Compassion. It’s common to be hard on ourselves when we don’t behave in the way we wish to in social situations. But the more we beat ourselves up, the more we feed our anxiety. Recognise that social anxiety is something you’re working through, and be patient with your progress.
🧠 Leverage Neuroplasticity. Imagine yourself in a social situation where you feel confident and at ease. What are you doing? How are you interacting with others? What does that feel like? By mentally rehearsing positive interactions, you’re leveraging your brain’s neuroplasticity: its remarkable ability to rewire itself. This process strengthens those positive neural pathways that will help you tap into feelings of social ease when the real thing comes along.
🔦 Shift the Spotlight. One of the defining features of social anxiety is how much it pulls our attention inward. We become self-conscious and hyper-aware of ourselves: how we’re standing, what we’re saying, whether our hands are shaking or our voice sounds odd. This intense self-focus feeds the anxiety, creating a loop of overthinking and self-judgement. But when we begin to gently shift our attention outwards – towards the people we’re with – we interrupt that cycle. By becoming genuinely curious about others, listening deeply, and engaging with interest, we reduce the spotlight on ourselves. This outward focus not only helps to alleviate anxious feelings, but also fosters a greater sense of connection and presence in the moment.
📢 Amplify Past Successes. Recall times when you navigated a social situation you were initially anxious about and it went better than expected. What did you do that contributed to that positive outcome? What did you learn about your own resilience and coping abilities?
⏳ Gradual Exposure to Social Situations. Instead of avoiding social events altogether, try setting small, achievable goals. This could be as simple as making eye contact with a stranger, offering a compliment, or attending a small gathering. With each experience, your brain will begin to realise that social interactions are not dangerous, and your confidence will gradually increase.
🥅 Set “Micro-Goals” Aligned with Your Vision. Instead of focusing on eliminating social anxiety entirely (which can feel overwhelming), identify small, concrete steps that would indicate you’re moving towards your “preferred social self.” For example, if your vision involves confidently asking a question in a meeting, a micro-goal might be to prepare one question beforehand.
🎉 Celebrate Small Wins. Every time you face a social situation with courage, celebrate it! Even if it doesn’t go perfectly, each step you take towards overcoming social anxiety is a victory. These small wins build momentum and help you feel more empowered in future interactions.
Finding Your Way Back to Connection
Social anxiety can feel like a barrier, but it doesn’t have to define you. With the right tools, support, and mindset shift, you can create a life full of meaningful relationships, enjoyable social interactions, and the confidence to be your authentic self.
If you feel trapped in the cycle of social anxiety, remember: you don’t have to face it alone. With the right support, you can break free, rebuild your confidence, and begin living the life you deserve.
To learn more about how hypnotherapy can support your specific needs, book a free consultation.
I understand what you’re going through.
And I truly believe: life does get better.
