The People-Pleasing Trap: Why We Do It and How to Stop

Ever find yourself:

• Saying “YES” when every fibre of your being is screaming “NO”?
• Agreeing to help out, even when you’re desperate for some rest?
• Forcing yourself to show up for events, just to keep the peace?
• Making decisions that don’t feel right to avoid conflict or confrontation?
• Believing your worth depends on how much you do for others?
• Constantly apologising, even when you’ve done nothing wrong?
• Forgetting you have opinions or desires? (“Wait, do I actually like pineapple on pizza?”)
• Feeling guilty and anxious any time you try to set a boundary?
• Worrying about how you came across in a social situation?
• Feeling resentful or burnt out, but not knowing why?

Welcome to the exhausting world of people-pleasing. Where ‘yes’ is your default setting, guilt is your constant companion, and your own needs take a backseat.

Let’s be clear: people-pleasing is not a harmless personality trait. It’s not just about occasionally saying ‘yes’ when you’d rather say ‘no’. It’s a stress response that’s killing your peace, joy, and authenticity. And the cruel twist? Despite being driven by a longing for connection, people-pleasing actually sabotages it.

Today, we’re going to unpack exactly what’s going on, and how you can unlearn it.

People-Pleasing: What It Is & Signs You’re Doing It

My fear of disappointing you is greater than my own needs & sanity.

You might tell yourself you’re ‘just being nice’. Others might see you as selfless. But people-pleasing is more complex than that. To understand if you’re being a people-pleaser, ask yourself:

• Does this ‘yes’ serve me, or just someone else?
• Does this action bring me lasting joy, or fleeting relief?
• Am I sacrificing my long-term peace for a momentary sense of security?
• Am I forging genuine connection, or just fulfilling an obligation that breeds resentment?

If these questions stir something within you, consider this a gentle wake-up call. People-pleasing isn’t harmless; it’s a slow, insidious process that erodes your boundaries and identity, leaving you feeling empty and disconnected from your true self.

Beneath the surface lies a desire to avoid conflict, a yearning for approval. It’s a pattern often rooted in experiences from our formative years that whispers: ‘If I’m agreeable, I’m safe.’ Even when it’s costing you dearly.

The Real Cost of People-Pleasing

While being kind and helpful are wonderful traits, for people pleasers, this can morph into an unhealthy pattern of self-neglect. People-pleasing is a compulsion caused by stress and anxiety that breeds more of the same, as well as:

• Emotional Exhaustion: Constantly putting off our own needs (including rest) leads to burnout.
• Resentment. Towards others (and yourself).
• Loss of Authenticity: Suppressing your own needs and desires can result in a disconnect from your true self. (“Wait, do I actually like pineapple on pizza, or was that just to avoid conflict?”)
• Damaged Relationships: Paradoxically, people-pleasing can strain relationships, as others may perceive it as being inauthentic.
• Lower Self-Esteem: Relying on external validation diminishes your inner sense of self-worth.

With so many pit-falls, you may be asking yourself: why do I do it?

The key thing to remember here is: it’s not your fault. If you developed people-pleasing tendencies, it was likely a protective mechanism, a way you learned to navigate challenging situations. And while that served a purpose then, you now have the power to choose a different path.

What’s Happening in the Brain of a People-Pleaser?

Have you ever blurted out an enthusiastic “YES” then walked away, kicking yourself and wondering: “What the hell did I do that for?!” Let’s break it down.

Imagine you’ve planned a lovely weekend, enjoying some well-earned rest after a busy week. When suddenly…

1. Someone asks you to help them move.

Your amygdala, the brain’s built-in alarm, kicks into action. It interprets this cue as a potential threat to social connection and acceptance. The story it tells you is: “If you don’t do this, they’ll hate you. You’ll be ostracised and die alone”. Understandably, this triggers a flood of stress hormones.

2. The panic.

In a fraction of a second, the amygdala consults with the hippocampus, your brain’s library of learned habits and behaviours. This is an ancient piece of software. In order to be lightning quick, it’s pretty repetitive and will use the same strategies over and over—even the ones that aren’t super helpful.

3. You blurt out “Yes, of course! Happy to help!”.

Before you’ve really had a chance to think about it, you’ve agreed to give up your free time and your sanity to shift someone else’s boxes.

This is also an example of the ‘fawn’ response. You’ve probably heard of fight/flight/freeze. Fawning is a less recognised (but equally powerful) survival strategy to avoid perceived danger by becoming overly accommodating and compliant, often at the expense of our own needs.

5. Your friend is happy!

Crisis averted! The amygdala can breathe a sigh of relief and restore a sense of safety. To reward you, your brain hits you with a dose of dopamine, a feel-good neurotransmitter. You feel great about yourself. You’re a good friend. A real hero. Until…

6. You walk away...

As the dopamine wears off, doubt starts to creep in. Your prefontal cortex (the rational, decision-making part of your brain) that until now was drowned out by the amygdala’s ringing alarm, finally comes back online. You suddenly remember just how much heavy furniture your friend owns. That they live on the third floor of the building. You already have a bad back, you’d even booked a massage on Saturday. You’ll have to cancel that now.

Slowly, the sense of glee turns into dread and resentment. You blame your friend, blame yourself, and promise you’ll never, ever allow this to happen again. Until another friend calls you about getting a ride to the airport…

How to Break Free from People-Pleasing

You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

Breaking the cycle isn’t about turning into a cold-hearted grump who never helps anyone. It’s about setting healthy boundaries and prioritising your own well-being. Here’s how:

• Pause Before You Respond. This is the big one. Instead of automatically agreeing, take a moment. Give your intelligent mind a chance to assess the situation, rather than giving in to your emotional mind’s urge to please. It’s perfectly OK to give yourself time to think. Practice saying: “Let me get back to you on that”.
• Take Time to Assess Your Own Wants and Needs. Before deciding on the best course of action, ask yourself: Do I actually want to do this? Does it align with my values and energy levels? Journaling, meditation, or even just taking a quiet moment to check in with yourself can help you reconnect with your true desires instead of operating on autopilot.
• Get Comfortable Saying No. The first few times you say no, it might feel like you’re committing a crime against humanity. That’s okay. The more you practice, the easier it’ll get. If the idea of saying a flat-out “No” feels daunting, try these softer, yet firm alternatives:
  • “I can’t on this occasion, but thanks for thinking of me!”
  • “I’d love to help, but I’m already committed to something else.” You don’t have to specify what that “something else” is (it could be self-care, and that’s valid!).
  • “I appreciate the invite, but I’ll have to pass this time.”
  • “That’s not going to work for me, but I hope you find the help you need.”
• Reframe Your Thinking. Saying no doesn’t make you a bad person—it makes you a person with boundaries. When you respect yourself, your time, resources, and energy, you teach others to respect them too. Even if it means they have to adapt.
• Visualise Confidence. Hypnotherapy and guided visualisations can help rewire your brain, so setting boundaries feels natural, not terrifying.
• Celebrate Small Wins. Every time you choose yourself without guilt, your brain learns that it’s safe to do so. Give yourself credit!

Life After People-Pleasing

You’re NOT stuck being a people-pleaser forever. With awareness and practice, you can retrain your brain to prioritise your needs while still being a kind, supportive person. But on top of that, you’ll enjoy:

👍 Increased Self-Esteem and Confidence:

• You’ll develop a stronger sense of self-worth that isn’t dependent on external validation.
• You’ll feel more confident in expressing your needs and opinions.

👍 Improved Relationships:

• Your relationships will become more authentic and genuine.
• You’ll set healthier boundaries, leading to more respectful interactions.
• You will feel less resentment within relationships.

👍 Reduced Stress and Anxiety:

• You’ll experience less stress from trying to please everyone.
• You’ll have more emotional energy for yourself.
• You will be able to reduce the amount of times your amygdala is triggered.

👍 Enhanced Sense of Control:

• You’ll feel more in control of your life and decisions.
• You’ll have more time and energy to pursue your own goals and interests.

👍 Greater Authenticity:

• You’ll live a life that aligns with your values and desires.
• You’ll be more true to yourself and less concerned about others’ opinions.

👍 Improved Mental and Physical Health:

• Reduced stress and anxiety contribute to better overall health.
• Better sleep, and more energy.

👍 Increased Personal Growth:

• You will grow as a person, by facing fears, and learning to set boundaries.
• You will have a greater understanding of who you are.

👍 More time for self care:

• By not doing things for others that you do not wish to do, you will have more time to do things for yourself.

Solution Focused Hypnotherapy is a powerful pathway to rewire those patterns: calming the overactive amygdala, strengthening your intellectual mind, and boosting your ability to set boundaries with confidence.

If you’re ready to remember who you truly are beneath the people-pleasing, book a free consulation to learn more.